Big Momma's Tantrums

It happened few days ago at Lotte Mart, a wholesale supermarket where i normally go for my groceries. I was planning to shop whilst Ayisha was at playgroup that morning but I ended up staying with her at school the whole time.

I still haven't managed to leave her at school without her (or me) crying. She's still very clingy. We've also been on & off school cos of our travels and then the school holidays. So we keep having to start over everytime. It's getting harder now cos there's lots of new kids coming in with the new term, which means more crying lil children in her class and lesser attention from the teachers. So up till now, she's still not 100% happy when Im not around.

Anyways, after school we always go straight home cos Ayisha would be super tired and ready for nap time. But that day I thought i could probably squeeze in Lotte Mart quickly because it's so close to her school and our fridge was all empty. I thought I could do quick stop, get only the main things out of my list and out of there asap.

I should've known better.

Ayisha was fine at first but as soon as we got inside, she was being very difficult. She was whinging, all clingy and so uncooperative. She wasn't listening to anything that I said and was determined to get her way. I was getting extremely impatient & frustrated and that was when it happened.

I grabbed her and left Lotte Mart and screamed at her all the way to the car. She of course, screamed back and protested by refusing to get in her car seat so i forced her, yelled again and slammed the door. I've never been this angry and annoyed at her before. She was crying and crying and i felt like my head's gonna explode.

I wrote a quick angry sms to Michael, took a deep breath to try ignore her and started to drive.

Ayisha fell asleep in less than a minute.

When there's no more noise, the guilt came washing all over me. When i turned over to glance at her sleeping peacefully and innocently, i felt my stomach churning from the thought of what might've happened if i had totally lost it.

Went passed McDonald's, convinced myself that I needed some comfort and made a u-turn. Went to the drive-thru and got a cheeseburger meal with nuggets & a chocolate sundae. I felt better almost immediately. Then felt sick again at how a nugget can make me all better just like that, after being so mad at my own flesh & blood.

At this point Michael was frantically trying to call and getting me to meet him at work.

I thought i was ok after almost finishing the nuggets & fries, but the moment i saw Michael and we talked, I was a wreck. I was in between sobs (and sundae) trying to tell him how i felt.
I realized how so very tired I am from taking care of Ayisha all the time. I can't remember the last time i had me-time just to do nothing.

Then there's the guilt talk. Feeling bad for complaining and being ungrateful. I felt like Ayisha is really not a difficult child to take care of. She seldom cries or throws tantrums. All she wants is having me around all the time. Then there's the realization of how one day, she might not even want me around anymore and I'd regret not wanting her to be clingy.

I was mad one moment, apologizing another, I couldn't even understand what I was saying to Michael anymore. He apparently did cos what he did next was just beyond unexpected and blew my mind away.

He drove us to a Beauty Spa where I could have a 3 hour session of body massage, scrub & milk bath and a hair cream bath spa that includes an hour of head, shoulder & hand massage.

I was so surprised and extremely touched i was bawling the moment i saw the entrance to the Spa. I was still sobbing staring on the floor when i was down on the massage table with my head in the hole.

By the time i submerged myself into the warm bath, i felt like a heavy weight have been lifted off my shoulders. I was so totally relaxed and felt amazingly calm.

All through the hair cream bath spa, i was smiling and couldn't help feeling so warm and tingly inside. Getting your hair & head massaged is one of the best feelings ever. I even had my head under the round steamer thingy for the first time in my life (always wondered what it felt like, it's pretty cool!) whilst given the shoulder & hand massage.

This hair spa is something that I've always wanted to try in Bali. Besides being really cheap, it's supposed to help with hair loss problem (chronic hair fall after giving birth) among other things. I thought i would've had a pampering session at least once a month but I just never had time by myself and gotten around to do it.

I came out of the Spa feeling like a brand new person and according to Michael, looking like a different person altogether - all smiles and not so crazy lady anymore lah.

Michael then took us to Lotte Mart and took care of Ayisha while i shop for all the things on my list and more. He then took us to my favorite restaurant in Sanur - Flapjak Pancakes & Stadium cafe, for a lovely dinner.

The next day, I got my period.

To both of you, thank you for putting up with me and loving me unconditionally.