Ayisha's Sleep-Without-Mum Diary

When Ayisha was born, we agreed to a plan to breastfeed her till she's 2. There wasn't really any written down step-by-step plan to follow, it was fairly straightforward - task: feed your child, period: 2 years.

But now that she's 2, we don't really have a clue on what to do next. When I shared my concerns to friends & family, I've been getting some mixed responses;

- You're still breastfeeding? She's 2!

- Why do you want to stop? Because all the books said recommended breastfeed until 2?

- Just do it now, cold turkey. It'll only take 1 week max..

- You're not working or anything, just let her breastfeed till she's ready to stop

- If you want to get pregnant again, try and stop feeding

- You've done it for 2 years, you don't have to feel bad for wanting to stop for no reason

I don't really have the heart to stop cold turkey, so we thought we should do it gradually and start with the night time ones.

Ayisha sleeps in a mattress next to our bed. Even though it's easy enough for me to flop to her mattress in the middle of the night, I felt like I should teach her to fall asleep by herself without relying on me so much, or my boobies to be exact, for comfort. Some 'expert' books would say I'm 1 1/2 years late, as a lot of them learn from 6 months onwards but we tried it before and both Michael & I were not strong enough to let her cry herself to sleep. Sorry Squeaky!

So for the past few weeks, I was telling her how she's a big girl now and she has to sleep by herself bla bla. Then one night, after we finished reading, she went 'night mum, Ha sleep, mum a'stairs" (downstairs). To be honest, I was quite sad! Felt like crying and all. But I left her, closed the door and sat on top of the stairs and just as I was telling Michael how sad and how useless I felt she called out 'Mummy!!!' and I jumped up immediately, went to the room and made myself comfortable on her bed. Who's the baby mah??????

Few days after that, without much thought or planning, Michael decided that night would be the night. He made me stay in bed and he tended to Ayisha, trying to get her to sleep. She was crying of course, calling out for me and carrying her books around for me to read. Screaaaaaaming! I was crying under the covers too and at one point told Michael that this was too hard and I can't do it. But Michael assured me that her cries are just to win us over, as there's no tears, just screams. And he did comfort her and not just leave her to cry. He was lovingly firm. He sang, read some more books, carried her around a bit, calmed her down. Lied down next to her and then she fell asleep. When she woke up in the middle of the night asking for me, Michael tended to her too and got her to fall asleep, again, without me.

The next day, I took her cup-shopping for her big girl's cup milk at night time. She was all excited and happy at first, even wanted to use it for her daytime nap. But when night came, the cup got chucked out. There was surprisingly no crying but a LOT of stalling. More books to read, no air-con, no fan, switch it off, back on again. Massage her legs, massage her hands, itchy here, 'Mat' (minyak gamat/ointment) there. Then Michael took over again, lullabying her to sleep. This time, she woke up in the middle of the night but I let her cry a bit and just before I started flopping down to her mattress, she fell asleep again, on her own. Progress!

The 3rd night, after reading her books, she was trying to get me to feed her, I started singing her new favorite song 'Shake, shake, shake'. Then she sang it over and over and over again and she started standing up and 'shake, shake, shake'. Ok, wrong song Mummy! So I got her to calm down again and sang 'Hush Little Baby' instead. I had my back facing her so she couldn't get to my shirt and she would nudge me to sing again whenever I stopped. I must've dozed off first because the next thing I know, she was hugging me from behind, asleep. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww....:(.

She woke up in the middle of the night screaming 'meow meow, big meow meow'. Hang on, that's mummy's nightmare! I was supposed to be scared of cats, not her! So I calmed her down a bit and she fell asleep again. She woke up again in the early morning and I gave her morning feed early, because I missed it. Again, who's the baby here??????

Last night, she tried to get me to feed her to sleep again, very angelic and all. Turned with my back facing her again, started singing 'Hush Little Baby'. Then she was asleep. She slept through and only woke up at 5ish this morning and I fed her early again.

I'm not sure if she sleeps longer now or she just learned how to fall back asleep on her own. One of the 'expert' books said that everyone wakes up every 3-4 hours but as adults, we learn how to put ourselves back to sleep. With babies and toddlers, they need help to do so, hence the waking-ups in the middle of the night. Some babies learn how to do this quicker than the others, or some parents are better at teaching them to do this, depending on how you feel about it. I believe that there's no right or wrong way, just what feels right FOR you and for your child.

I was once told that if a baby doesn't sleep through, it means that she's hungry. This always makes me feel bit bad because it felt like I'm not giving her enough food during the day or not breastfeeding her enough.

So in this case, I'm going to go with that 'expert' book and also because Ayisha refused her big girl's cup in the middle of the night then I concluded that she just wants me for comfort and not because she's hungry.

It is getting easier, both for her and for me. Michael has been great AND understanding all around. I do feel now that most of the time, it wasn't Ayisha that was difficult to stop, it was probably ME who was a bit reluctant to let go of this BIG part of me for the past 2 years. I am still yet to drop the daytime feed but already, I am missing it so much and feeling like she's slipping away from me or something.

But we're doing okay and hopefully from now it'll just get easier and better. :)